When I found out, to my surprise, I was pregnant I promptly broke down. It started with me feeling a big huge cry coming on. Not just a couple of tears, but the sobbing that makes your stomach jump and you feel you can hardly breathe. Next, I quickly fell to the floor where I laid flat on my back, feet and arms spread out like I was about to start making a snow angel on my cold hard wood floor. I laid there engulfed in my bubble of confusion, sorrow and sobbing for as long as it took for me to feel I had cleared my head.
I'm not exactly sure why, but there is something cleansing about being on the ground out in the open and able to cry with all openness. Last night it happened again. I had tried on my wedding gown for my friend Melanie, and was feeling awfully depressed. I love my friends and cherish them deeply, but there are some emotions only a mother can share with her daughter-especially when it comes to her wedding day. I can't express how deeply sad and lonely it is sometimes not being able to shop for my dress with my mom, pick out honeymoon spots, talk in whispers about the boy I'll marry who's in the other room and everything else that we should share.
It built up tremendously last Sunday at my sister's birthday party, when we also announced (quite oddly may I add) our engagement. It was odd because I knew we wouldn't be able to share all the wedding fun with them, so it was hard to show my excitement in their presence. As I followed mom into her room that afternoon she began telling me how she was so excited to plan our engagement party. "I'm thinking sometime in June or July, but August would even work," she said. In my head I knew that would not be happening. Yohan and I were getting married in just over two weeks and by June I'd be round as a rolly-polly thanks to my little bambino who is growing quickly.
So, yesterday I cried. No! I actually sobbed in Yohan's kitchen where I quickly fell to the floor as soon as I felt the first tear. I laid there with my arms and legs spread out like I was going to make snow angels and cried and cried. The floor wasn't cold enough this time, but it's probably just these prego sweats I get so often. I mourned quite well how much I missed being able to share with the family all my excitement for the two biggest events in one's life - marriage and children. I think I'm still in mourning today too.