DON'T JUDGE ME!
I don't like being pregnant. I don't think it's fun, and I don't feel at all like myself. I miss how I used to be and feel. On the other hand, I'm not ready to have a baby. I'm not prepared for the hugely immense life change. So essentially, I'm not ok with Jr. being in me and I'm not ready for him to be out of me. However, those are my only two options right now. Furthermore, I'm on a timeline, so it doesn't matter what I want anyway. Clearly I don't hate Jr., but I'm certainly not that prego who is basking in her roundness and fully enjoying and preparing for the little guy. I think I'm actually trying to avoid Jr. right now. I don't really want to talk about him or think about him or plan for him or go to classes to prepare for his arrival.
YOU'RE NOT PERFECT EITHER!
Perhaps I loved myself a little too much before pregnancy. Maybe I'm not ready for some little runt to have all the attention. Maybe I liked only having to think about myself and my future. I don't like having to take those nasty pre-natal vitamins when what I really want is an extra strong dirty martini. I don't like that I'm too exhausted to even really consider staying up late enough to have a martini. I don't love my body pregnant. I liked it before I had to buy a large sized panties and when my clothes fit beautifully.
JUST WAIT TILL YOU'RE PREGO (OR YOUR WIFE) HA!
Another note, which is deserving of it's own paragraph, is sex. Clearly sex is how we got in this 'situation' in the first place. I can only wonder: How did something so miserable come from sex? Sex is awesome and fun! This is not. Sex is sexy and alluring and naughty and rambunctious...I am not these days. Sex is spontaneous and energetic and makes you feel young. Once again, can't associate any of that with pregnancy. Sex while pregnant isn't sexy. Sex isn't sex when you're pregnant. I am making a formal complaint to God regarding this. These two things should not be associated. Something else clearly should be the root of this pregnancy condition. My suggestions are running a marathon naked together as a couple while holding hands and shoeless or writing a twenty page paper (10 pgs. from him/10 pgs. from her) as a formal request and explanation of why you'd like to be in that particular position. If God takes me up on the complaint, I think he'll realize we can solve both world hunger and the poor pregnant woman's plight. Mrs. Prego Poopy Pants would be a whole lot more ready for the large task ahead if it took such dedication and unfaltering willingness to have a family. She'd probably appreciate her situation a lot more too. At the very least, sex would still hold it's place on the pedestal. This poor lady is frightened to have sex post Jr. lest she be thrown into pregnancy's clutch again before she (or Yohan) are ready to take on the long nine month task again.
IF YOU 'ABSOLUTELY LOVED BEING PREGNANT' I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU AND NEVER WILL
Mom says I shouldn't be negative about pregnancy and that Jr. can sense it. I say the only thing Jr. can sense is when I poke him! What about what I'm sensing??? Hellooooooooo! With that said, I know having a baby is a miracle and I'm lucky. Many people try and try and long and try and still cannot enjoy what I'm considering so laborious. Either way, I cannot change how I feel right now. Nor will I try or pretend I feel any different. I'm just hoping this postpartum that I'm experiencing pre-partum goes away soon. Until it goes away, I will just continue to gaze into the mirror, and like "Zoolander" ask myself:
WHO AM I?