What happens when (just two months after meeting) a Baptist preacher's son and small-town pastor's daughter surprisingly discover they've committed the ultimate faux pas? Now it's a journey of finding out what it is to love a little baby surprise and what to do about this new husband.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

There, I Said It

I don't like being pregnant.  I don't think it's fun, and I don't feel at all like myself.  I miss how I used to be and feel.  On the other hand, I'm not ready to have a baby.  I'm not prepared for the hugely immense life change.  So essentially, I'm not ok with Jr. being in me and I'm not ready for him to be out of me.  However, those are my only two options right now.  Furthermore, I'm on a timeline, so it doesn't matter what I want anyway.  Clearly I don't hate Jr., but I'm certainly not that prego who is basking in her roundness and fully enjoying and preparing for the little guy.  I think I'm actually trying to avoid Jr. right now.  I don't really want to talk about him or think about him or plan for him or go to classes to prepare for his arrival.
Perhaps I loved myself a little too much before pregnancy.  Maybe I'm not ready for some little runt to have all the attention.  Maybe I liked only having to think about myself and my future.  I don't like having to take those nasty pre-natal vitamins when what I really want is an extra strong dirty martini.  I don't like that I'm too exhausted to even really consider staying up late enough to have a martini.  I don't love my body pregnant.  I liked it before I had to buy a large sized panties and when my clothes fit beautifully.
Another note, which is deserving of it's own paragraph, is sex.  Clearly sex is how we got in this 'situation' in the first place.  I can only wonder:  How did something so miserable come from sex?  Sex is awesome and fun!  This is not.  Sex is sexy and alluring and naughty and rambunctious...I am not these days.  Sex is spontaneous and energetic and makes you feel young.  Once again, can't associate any of that with pregnancy.  Sex while pregnant isn't sexy.  Sex isn't sex when you're pregnant.  I am making a formal complaint to God regarding this.  These two things should not be associated.  Something else clearly should be the root of this pregnancy condition.  My suggestions are running a marathon naked together as a couple while holding hands and shoeless or writing a twenty page paper (10 pgs. from him/10 pgs. from her) as a formal request and explanation of why you'd like to be in that particular position.  If God takes me up on the complaint, I think he'll realize we can solve both world hunger and the poor pregnant woman's plight.  Mrs. Prego Poopy Pants would be a whole lot more ready for the large task ahead if it took such dedication and unfaltering willingness to have a family.  She'd probably appreciate her situation a lot more too.  At the very least, sex would still hold  it's place on the pedestal.  This poor lady is frightened to have sex post Jr. lest she be thrown into pregnancy's clutch again before she (or Yohan) are ready to take on the long nine month task again.
Mom says I shouldn't be negative about pregnancy and that Jr. can sense it.  I say the only thing Jr. can sense is when I poke him!  What about what I'm sensing???  Hellooooooooo!  With that said, I know having a baby is a miracle and I'm lucky.  Many people try and try and long and try and still cannot enjoy what I'm considering so laborious.  Either way, I cannot change how I feel right now.  Nor will I try or pretend I feel any different.  I'm just hoping this postpartum that I'm experiencing pre-partum goes away soon.  Until it goes away, I will just continue to gaze into the mirror, and like "Zoolander" ask myself:



  1. No one can judge you and there is no reason anyone should babe. Sure there are plenty of woman out there that felt the exact same, but I'm sure many didn't have the balls to say it, fear of judgment or they weren't truthful to themselves. This is one of the many things I love about you baby. ...for those that basked in it, good for them if they truly were and not in denial. You're doing great baby and I think it's good that you are honest to yourself... think u need some extra cookies and a good rubdown tonight:)


  2. No judgement here... We are all different with different experiences. I wish I could tell you it's all going to be alright, but that may be complete BS, b/c I don't know if it will be. All I can say is that in most cases the good out weighs the bad and I'm glad you have Yohan to help you through...or both of you to help each other through.

    If you do want to talk about anything or have one specific question and that's it ..I would be more than happy to lend a ear!

    I think what you are feeling is normal for this not to be a planned pregnancy with no intention of getting pregnant anytime soon in the first place.

    We will be seeing you soon...